I like Applebees food. And I like their jingle, Eatin’ Good In The Neighbourhood.

I haven’t been their for a long while so before I went I wanted to check Applebees menu calories just to see if my favourites are, like, the way-highest calorie foods they offer. That’s what I would expect, given my tendencies to eat badly.

But I checked on the Web and they’re nowhere to be found on their site.

You know why you can’t find out Applebees menu calories? Because Applebees doesn’t want to publish them.

That really bugs me. It makes it look like Applebees menu calorie counts are astronomically high and they’re afraid to share them.

And the thing is, I doubt that they really are that high.

But they sure are good.

But I go to Applebees, despite their refusal to publish their menu item calories

I went today for lunch, with my old (really, really old) friend Jim.

That’s my Applebees, just a bit up from the 401 in Ajax. What you don’t see hear is the Geritol crowd that frequents Applebees for lunch. Not quite exactly what they show in the commercials. In a handful of years I’m going to join the blue-hair crew myself, so I shouldn’t talk really.

There’s no calorie counts for the menu items, but let’s not forget that there’s also no way to resist the lure of the quesadilla burger.

This my objective, as displayed in this menu close-up: the Quesadilla Burger.

Doesn’t look nearly as good with my camera as it does in the tv ads and in the menu.

But damn, it tastes great.

Applebees food porn. I know you want it. Hey, I’ve got a new jingle for Applebees. Sounds something like this: bowm chik-a bowm-bowm.

Ya, I’m a messy eater. Sue me.

One must always order dessert after lunch. It is an Ontario provincial law. If you order that Maple Butter Blondie, you instantly eligible to gain weight.

Couldn’t quite finish it off. How about that. I actually couldn’t. And it tasted great. Even if it was only 3,500,000 calories.

Michelle is my favourite waiter. She takes pictures for me, and she gives me extra maple goop for my dessert. And she confirmed with me that there’s no Applebees menu calories listings anywhere. Not just in the printed menu, but back in the kitchen or anywhere.

Thanks as always, Michelle.

Well, I’m thinking I gorked about 2500 calories for this lunch.

Of course how would I know? And you can’t believe those websites that guesstimate calorie counts for restaurant food chains. How the hell do they know? They don’t. They’re picking numbers out of the air.