Smokers always talk about how they could buy a car with the money they would save if they just stopped smoking. That got me thinking…

What am I actually spening on
food every month, on average?

So I went through my credit card statements for the last couple of months. It’s not a scientific test I know, but I think they’re pretty representative. I eat about the same amount of crap from the same places week to week.

And I’m not even including the 3 or 4 pizzas and chinese food orders I paid cash for.

And bags of chips here and there that were also cash.

And I didn’t travel anywhere or go on vacation (that’ll be the day) or go visiting or host dinner parties or the like (again, two more unlikely life scenarios for me).

So here they are. (I've cropped out the non-food purchases.)

My March and April food spending (on my MasterCard, anyway). Note that I cropped out the line items for my porn mag subscriptions and my Fatsos For Higher Bank Executive Pay Society membership fees. BTW I had forgotten about Tandoori House on Yonge Street. Got takeout and it lasted two days. Man, they make the best Chicken Korma in Toronto. And those pompadoms. Mmmm, mm.

So in March I spent about $680 on food, just on my MasterCard. And in April I spent $837. That's $1517. Now I'll be uber-generous and say that $150 of my Loblaws grocery store spending was on hard goods like detergents or oven gloves or dish brushes or plastic dish containers and such. But then I'll add to that let’s say $80 over two months for my pizza and chinese and fried chicken and McDick's, which I usually pay cash for. And I'm probably being too conservative on that.

By my calculation that’s $1447 over two months. On average, then, my cost for food every month is around $725.00.

Whoa. $725per month, for food, on average. That’s kind of shocking. Actually it’s really shocking. That's about $8700 a year just on food. Holy $#!+. 

How do your average monthly
food costs compare to mine?

I just checked on the Web and here was the average cost of food per month for US guys my age: $334.

I highlighted my row. I’m spending about 220% of what a normal guy my age spends. That's significant.

But then again, I need to. I guess it costs a fair amount of money to consume the vast calorie levels I need in order to maintain my ample proportions.

It is definitely disturbing to see my actual average monthly food costs. They reveal a consumption regime that is clearly out of control.

My BMI index says I should be 155 pounds for my height. It's interesting actually: 220 percent of 155 is 341. And that's almost exactly what I weigh right now. Isn't that amazing?

I guess I should do something about all this. But I don't honestly feel like doing anything about it. Which is a problem.

Instead I'm just going to congratulate myself and make it some kind of achievement. I mean, these days with the kids they give them awards and medals for waking up in the morning, or eating their breakfast or trying hard or just showing up. I

I figure I can give myself a completly bogus award

I think about all that money. And how much I am actually investing every month in my fat. And how much of my average monthly food costs go into fat, $#!+ty food. The $#!+ty food I love. The $#!+ty food that finds its way to the fat cells and gives them a potent pump-up.

Whatever that dollar amount is, I think I’m certainly getting my money’s worth.

Not too shabby flabby. How about I call my new award the Flabcademy Award for Lifetime Investment In Overeating?

Like it? I shall accept this award on behalf of myself. Now my heartfelt acceptance speech. I'm too fat to walk up to the podium, so I'm just going to give here, sitting down.

"First I'd like to thank the Flabcademy. It was an honour just to be nominated with all the other un-moneyed overeaters.

"Second, I'd like to give a shout-up to my mom, who died when I was a thin athletic teenager and would probably die all over again if she saw the state I'm in now. Mom, just don't look right now.

"And I couldn't have done this all myself. So I’d like to thank everyone who has helped me blimp out to where I am today:

• Frito Lay
• Coca-Cola
• Hellman’s Mayonnaise
• Whoever owns Panda brand health food real licorice
• McDonald’s
• Bigman's pizza
• Don Mills Gardens chinese food
• Arby’s
• Taco Bell
• Frito Lay
• Cadbury
• Frito Lay
• Frito Lay…”