The stimulus plans will love me now because

I Am Now A Shovel-Ready Project

What if I croak before I get rid of my morbid obesity?

I’ve been thinking alot about that these days, as I try to get serious about getting un-fat. That’s why I started this site: to actually get my head around what the hell I’m doing with my eating and my lifestyle.

So I went out today and bought my burial place.

First, though, I thought I'd share today’s stats in my weight and calorie tracker:

I've been thinking about what would happen if I croak soon. I don’t have a grave. Then my friend Suzie’s dad died recently and I finally decided to start to get my affairs in order. Just in case.

So I went out a little east of Toronto and bought myself a different kind of burial plot: an eco-burial plot.

Look Ma, No Headstone, No Casket

I can’t really impress my 'ma' with my no-headsone, no-casket burial plot because she's been dead since I was a teen. But isn’t it great? Just a 4’x10’ patch that the cemetery finds by using those tripod transits that builders and engineers use.

Here it is:

There are a few big stones on the burial grounds, but they’re just for marking the boundary points on the grounds. I’ve selected my plot to be at the back end of the burial grounds, closest to the stream flow. Right beside this big stone. Technically I don’t have a headstone, but I guess I kind of do. And it will make it easier for my loved ones to find my spot when they comes to my spot to weep and moan and cry and wale every day for the remainder of their time on earth after I’m gone. They will do that, right?

Is this spectacularly beautiful, or what? Five yards down from my bones. I know it’s moronic to get revved up about the view from my grave (especially as I don’t believe in an afterlife), but man this is nice. Maybe I’ll just move to my grave site now. Build a teency tiny 4’x10’ deck, get a little gas BBQ and two chairs, and I’ve got myself a nice little summer getaway. Ya, that’s the ticket.

Two Feet Under

Cemetery manager Rafael tells me that they only have to bury you two feet under the ground for eco-burials. Not six or nine like they do for regular ones.

He says it’s because there are no caskets and such, so they don’t have to dig down so far.

They just need to get you down enough that the critters and varmints can’t get at you… without a good amount of effort I guess. Kind of like burying your pet hamster.

Thought I’d slide into my eco-burial spot first before I laid down the cash. Wanted to make sure it ‘fit’. Wanted to make sure it was ‘really me’. (Not sure if you can notice, but I’m wearing my ‘good’ sweat pants. Wanted to make a good impression with the cemetery people.) So, what do you think of me on my burial spot? Other than, ‘Man, that guy really truly IS a load. Well here’s what I think. The more I look at it I think I look like one of those winter Olympic one-man louge guys. Can you imagine if they plunked me and my 350 big ones onto one of those louge contraptions and sent me on my way, and I actually managed to make it to the end? With momentum I’d generate I’d win Gold for Canada for sure. Or I’d go flying off the top of one of those curves and go hurtling ass over tea kettle into the parking lot and land on my head. And then I’d be right back here. Two feet under. Enough of this. I’m hungry.

I Think We're Going To Need A Bigger Hole

“Only two feet down, Rafael? Even for me?” I asked. “I’m a bit of a load.”

“Well,” said Rafael, “Two feet is not a maximum depth, we can go more."

“Good,” I replied, “I think I’ll need you guys to dig down a wee bit farther. I don’t want my gut sticking up enough that racoons and foxes and gophers and such can get at me.”

I Just Want To Be Worm Food

I really want my worm friends, not my critter friends, to get first dibs at my guts. I mean, just think of all the money I’ve invested in creating the hugeness that I have achieved.

I want all that to go to the worms. I want to be worm food. I want it to be like part of my Last Will & Testicle. “I hereby leave 100 percent of my carcass to the earthworms and bacteria and other underground things that will decompose me back to the chemical elements from which life forms first began.

Worms Are Licking Their Lips

There’ll be a whole lot of me to go around. Unless I do something about my weight. Which I am determined to do. At some point.

I see the doctor for the first ‘physical’ that I think I’ve ever had. Let’s see what I find out there.