Breakfast of champions this morning, that’s for sure. I didn’t feel like porridge for some unfathomable reason. Who doesn’t look forward to… porridge?

So it’s a stressless Saturday morning and I’ve decided to treat myself to a proper breakfast of McCain crispy krinkle cut french fries.

There’s a technique to it, of course. I’m not sure it could be called a recipe. Maybe it’s more of just a personalization. Or customization.

Stick them in the oven.

There they are, my little beauties. Just lying there in my little toaster oven, relaxing and crisping up. For little ole me.

Chef Fatso trick. Pull your fries out about half way done when they’re just starting to glisten with all that mm mm good trans fatty oil. Then shake your salt on them now. That way the salt stays on. It sticks to that great glisteny oil, then nestles in. If you put the salt on after you take them out and the fries are kind of dried, the salt just falls off each fry. It’s very sad. And it can be avoided.

Ta daaa. They don’t look like it in the photo, because you’re not here, but they’re really hot. Don’t touch them yet. Get your hands off.

I have created the perfect french fry. If yours don’t look exactly like this when you pull them out of the oven, throw them out immediately and start again.

Ready, right? Unh unh. There’s one more thing…

That’s right, baby. Get out the Hellmann’s and get serious about making this an all-star porker breakfast.

Glop.

I have learned that some people think life gets better than this. If you are one of these people, don't feel stupid, but know that you are mistaken. Life does not get better than this.

Bowm-chika-bowm-bowm. Oh ya, baby. Just like that. Oh ya. Oh ya. Oh. Oh!

Food porn fades to empty bowl. But full gut. Now you're ready to start the day off.

Am I going to have to give up my Fries’N Mayo someday? Yes. Probably. But I’m not ready yet. So this won’t be my final session of F&M.